I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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