he puts the penis in happiness.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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