hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
