Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
