its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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