please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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