Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
