and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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