I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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