I wish my penis had an off switch
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
