every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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