Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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