it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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