I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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