Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
