My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
