there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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