Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
