That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
