she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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