Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
