you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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