The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
