someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
