I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
