Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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