my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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