There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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