Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
