Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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