Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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