The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
