she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
