When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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