I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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