I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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