Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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