I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
