I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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