new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
