The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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