Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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