your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
