I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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