What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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