I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
