did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
