I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
