Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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