we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
