Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
