The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
