my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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