Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You ruined the universe
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
