i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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